Memoirs of a Falopian

No, this is not about the kgb firearm and you may or may not have been looking for. This is about the company behind the witty commercials informing the general public about how they can check boob sizes and milk hamsters charging .99 cents per text message answer.

Have you thought about working for kgb? Or wondered where they get their huge database of information? Maybe they are super intelligent computers that may turn on us one day and make us all their slaves. Or possibly a government experiment in which a shot can give me super brain power? No, they are regular people, like you and I. And we have been trained to use google. Trained actually may be the wrong word. We’ve been directed to use google. By that, I mean we have learned how to open a new tab, type g-o-o-g-l-e-.-c-o-m and type some sort of search direction.

I am, what the professional may call, a kgb_ special agent. It sounds, cool, but it isn’t. From what I’ve seen, most agents are stay at home mothers, or just bored out of their mind. The former don’t care and the latter don’t last long. Some people may find it a good opportunity. I guess that I don’t mind it alot. I feel less unproductive sitting in front of my TV, if I’m making a meager allowance doing so. Let the following make up your mind

You can visit http://kgb.com to view their webpage. Cool, sure. Nice and tidy, yes. To begin the employment process, you can click on the bottom of the page on the link labeled Become an agent bringing you to a screen with more tidy-ness and pretty words about working for them. At the bottom of the page, there is a “test” that you must pass before they will consider you for employment.

I have to say that the test gave me a bit of a hard time. I mean, I scored well. I’m a friggen genius, you have no idea. However, for you mere mortals, be prepared to put on your thinking caps and use your brain. The test consists of different subjects such as Science, History, Math, Reading Comprehension, etc. Want to know my secret? Use google. It’s almost impossible to know the answer to every single one of those questions and you use google for the real job, so what’s wrong with using it for the test? There wasn’t anything in small print stating I couldn’t use it – not that I ever read small print – so I used it. The math problems were something that you can’t just look up, but hire an asian or something.

Once you have finished the test (and presumably passed the test), you’ll come to a page asking if you are interested in working, or if you are just doing the test for fun (who does that?). If you say that you’re interested, you will enter contact info and then it’s a waiting game.

They were pretty quick with me. I got an email about 24 hours later about my training. You have 7 days to go through about 3 hours worth of powerpoints. I did so in about 2 days. It’s a whole bunch of legal stuff, some tips on how to answer questions, certain protocol, and other useless garbage that went in one ear and out the other. You must take a few quizzes along the way, but if you fail the quizzes you can always go back and redo them until you get them right. No problem, or biggie.

Once you’ve finished your training, once again you must wait for them to get you a log-in so you can practice your newly learned skills. Once again, this took about 24 hours or so for them to get information back to me.

Now we enter…Da, da, duummm!!!…SIMULATION! Yes, this is almost like real people sending you messages although you’re not answering real people’s questions, however at one point they could be real person’s questions, and in the end, they are questions that alot of people ask. Simulation consists of 10-15 questions that you must answer by using the program’s search functions or your own search functions to answer.

Let me take this time to explain the kgb_ program. You don’t have to download anything. This is a program ran straight from your browser. Once signed in, you can do a variety of things including schedule your hours, check how much money you’ve made, and change your account details. You can also log in to take texts. Once logged in to take texts, questions will show up in a queue. Some questions are already answered due to “otto” (witty), but that doesn’t mean that the answers are right. The rest of the questions are unanswered and available for you to take as well. After you pick a question, you place it in a category (I have yet to figure out how that helps) and then come to a screen where you answer your question.

To search, you can either use google, or try and find the answer within the millions of answers already sent out in the kgb database. Certain questions such as “what is the meaning of life” or “what is a good pick up line” are good to recycle and use because you can just click and be off to your next question. Every answer must be sourced by a credible web site. Wikipedia, yahoo! answers, and wiki answers are not credible, but can be used as a last resort. ChaCha is a HUGE nono. Of course if you’re using the kgb_database, you may find answers that are not right. kgb_ has a button called the “pantsify” button. They explained that it was British. So you are pretty much tattletailing with a British accent, so it wounds twice as snobby when you do it.

Once you have answered the question, your screen returns to the queue and you pick another question. Sometimes, you have a problem answering a question. kgb_ has answered this problem by employing operatives! Operatives are cool people that sit in work chat and answer the questions that people don’t have the brains to search for themselves and answer. Sounds awesome, let me tell you. I’ve heard through word of mouth that operatives are people that have worked for a long time as a special agent and proved themselves worthy of the job. I only count about 5-6 operatives. If that tells you something.

I bet you’re wondering about pay? Is it worth my time? Not really, no. Each questions that you answer by searching yourself and finding your own source – you recieve 0.10 cents. Yes 10 cents. 1 tenth of a dollar. Any answer that you recycle from the database, or is already answered for you – you recieve a whopping 0.5 cents. Crazy, right! On average, I make about $2.00 an hour. On a busy day, I have made around $5.00 an hour. The previous month’s pay is automatically deposited into your bank account (YES you MUST have a bank account) in the third Thursday of the following month as long as the amount of over $20.

This definitely is not a rent paying job. It is good for my phone bill and some gas money, but that’s about it. I wouldn’t tell anybody not to try it. It’s something to do while you’ve got nothing better, but I don’t think alot of people stay with it. They have alot of prizes and competitions to try and keep people interested, but doesn’t do much. Go check it out, see if it’s something that you might do in your spare time. Can’t say you won’t regret it, but you never know!